Change

Change.
 Man oh man change is hard. It could be good for you but, it still doesn't make it easy. I can be to get you closer to your goals but, the struggles are still there. I heard a saying once that " if a decision hurts, then it's probably the right decision". There for change is good, right? If it's scary, overwhelming, it's good, right? 

For a very long time I was terrified of change. I hated change. Change was not an option for me. If I was use to a certain way, it was the only way. Even the fact graduating high school (May 2013) was terrifying for me. Yeah, high school were not my best years but, I was scared of the new world waiting for me. 

I was use to someone giving me a schedule, telling me what classes to take. I was use to waking up, shower, breakfast, school, home, dinner, homework ,chill sleep and repeat. I liked the retinue, I was comfortable. The idea of that changing in collage freaked me out to the max!! No joke! Yeah it may sound funny to you but it was a serious fear for me. You know what is even more terrifying? I didn't know I was scared of change until a few months after I graduated high school, when I started to work.(October 2013)Having a job took a lot of energy out of me. Not the job but, HAVING  a job. Why? Because I had to get use to that routine! Wake up, work, shower, chill, church, sleep and repeat. Guess what happened next. I got use to that and didn't want to start school for 3 reasons; 1: I didn't have the money 2: I didn't know what I wanted to study and 3: I didn't want to change my retinue AGAIN!

It got to the point that this fear of change was draining me out. I wasn't myself. I was always at the edge of my seat. Worrying of every little detail. I went through anxiety attacks, keeping myself from my loved ones. Not telling anyone my struggles. It got so bad that I would get up get ready for work, tell my parents and boyfriend I was going to work, when really I would go park in a parking lot for those 4-5 hours and have my anxiety attacks. Wanting to be far away and run from change. ( how ironic, running away would require change) Then I would come home and pretend like I was okay. I put on a mask for everyone around me. Even the closes to me. Putting that mask on then led me to always being aggravated, because on the inside, behind that mask, I was desperately crying for help. I felt like know one understood me, like I was alone. Surrounded by people but, alone.

I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

During this time I was on my walk with God.(March-May 2014) Serving Him with my all. Busy everyday of the week at church. Reaching out to others about His love. I was so busy worrying that I forgot her cared for me too. I forgot that my life was in His hands. I was trying to take control when He had the wheel. I forgot that HE understood. 

It wasn't until one day in May that I found out I had failed the one course I decided to take. The final was on a Sunday and I was sure I wasn't going to make it to church. The final finished early and they gave us our results on the spot. I failed. I cried a little but then I was numb. I was on time to make it to church but I went home to eat and hoped by the time I was finished I would be late and not go. Of Course the clock stopped because I had plenty of time to make it to the very beginning.

I walked in there and they welcomed me like it was my first time. I sat down all the way in the back like it was my first time. Keeping to myself. Worship started and I broke down crying. Surrendering all to Him because I couldn't do it on my own anymore. Then GOD made sure to let me know He was taking care of me. My pastor started to pray and in His prayer he said " I cancel all anxiety out of your children" he said more but I broke down when he said that because I knew that was all GOD. I knew that was God telling me to let go and trust Him. 

Yes I was a believer and I yes I knew all of that. But I let the overwhelm of this life get the best of me and blind me of Gods promises. Like my mama bear said " I forgot to go to my doctor".

If you are feeling anyway like I did in those days I encourage you to run to your Heavenly father and give it all to Him. He is willing to take it all from you and heal you. He loves you and wants the best for you. Believe it or not His plans for you are better than the plans you have. With Him at your side there is NOTHING to fear. He goes before you, fighting for you, making a way for you. All you have to do is let Go and let GOD.

I hope this encouraged someone one in one way or another. All glory to God because without Him I wouldn't have made it. If you have any questions, comments, concerns or need prayer please feel free to contact me. Thank you ! Remember you are loved and you are not alone! God bless!